Writerreyes Gets Personal

This Blog has always been about writing, talent, and promoting others
stories. Over the years I have debated whether to share more of my story, of my
growth, and finally I have decided to let you into my world. In order to
completely display nakedly under construction to the T, I have decided I must
also show you me. You will find I have a problem flowing between informational
writing, introspection, and becoming poetic and rhymey. I have a past I cannot
yet tell, because people change and because they too have dark pasts, does not
mean I have the right to throw shade. I encourage people to share their dark
moments and their secrets, the things that they have overcome, to the depth
that information is shared and people in their life are exposed is up to them.
I am not going to edit these, I am going to write these almost like a diary, so
you can see me completely vulnerably, from here till the end of time. Maybe
this will help me unwind. I hope this will help you share, or atleast maybe
feel less alone in the world. I am also open to sharing others stories and
comments if these posts touch you, I am all open communication and
transparency, people are made for community. Although I love being alone and
have many alone habits and hobbies, including writing. I promise no one is
sitting beside me.

I have recently been overcome with many strokes of aggravation, from minor
car accidents turned law suits or rather grabs for money since I was driving
below 5 miles per hour (fender bender), to petty snarky medical staff in
workplace environments creating drama for the sake of drama rather than trying
to overcome their own struggles (misery loves company), to struggles of the
heart when warring between traumas of the past and understanding new love
(learn from the past but live in the present, expectations are different then
standards), to struggling with weight and anxiety so severely that the body
keeps pushing everything out, so I feel I am exploding from both ends and
aching from the empty within. These are just a few of my struggles, but I will
now start letting you in. I believe in God, and I AM NOT RELIGIOUS.

Brief summary. I had a rough upbringing where abuse and emotional neglect
were rampant (my relationship with my parents has changed 180 now but the past
is still the past). I had religion shoved down my throat and saw the hypocrisy
of people saying one thing and acting in another way. I always felt God’s
presence, a higher being, but I was angry for so long, that it took some time
(and when I say some time, I mean a decade) before I realized/felt like God was
saying, ” So those people who say they know me have hurt you, so that
means YOU won’t have a relationship with ME? How is that fair?” and I had
reached a point in my life where I needed to give up control and let him take
aim (I am a control freak). So I let him in, and my spiritual journey has been
slow (if you follow my blog you will know, I do not like labels and some of my
beliefs contradict the typical “Christians”, and I might even lose
friends- fingers with peace sign).

Despite this, I have always been someone who
sets goals and makes them happen, someone who values people who do what they
say, and are proud and talented. I was so goal oriented that I would buy a
scheduler, plan out my months, and then break down each day, creating an hour
to hour schedule to make sure I made time for everything, and I was working
towards FORWARD. It worked for me for a while, it helped my anxiety when making
lists, and not doing the tasks because I was stuck in my head, heart in my
throat, had me shaking in my soul. It helped me move forward, to not be one of
those people who says who they are but aren’t really. One of those people who
only exist and don’t really live. One of those goals was to find a way to make
money and have control of my time, being able to work remotely much of the
time, and I am in the process of building a business as a notary (officially
witnessing and attesting to the truth in documents with clients) and notary
signing agent (helping close property loans).

But over the last few months I have felt a shifting. Last year I began working on my family relationships, and this year my friends. I have always been a weird loner, outgoing but my
personality so strong, I felt everyone would eventually just run away, or men
who tired of chasing me fell to the side. But not recently, in the last few
years I have been working on loving those around me, when I realized I cannot
or no longer want to change the world, but I can make a difference in the lives
I CAN touch. I have told my new friends, who have supported me and helped me
grow in ways no one has before, I feel like a caterpillar on the edge of
greatness, almost ready to come out of its cocoon, for I have been doing ALOT
of shadow work. And I was both right and wrong, I still feel this way, BUT I
don’t think shadow work stops. AND I still have some final stages to experience
before I have the strength to break this shell and start a new life in a new
form.

I would like to share two posts: The first is an update to my stepdad whom I
now love dearly and can thank for a lot of my growth because there is nothing
like the support of your parents (it only took me until I was 30 to find out).
I usually speak with him every 2 weeks and dump my heart on his, and he tells
me about his work and guitar lessons.

The second is a Facebook post about my day on 10/3/23 and a testimony to God
and my changing faith. I am learning there is a difference between being
grateful and actually saying thank you. Every day. In every moment. In looking
for the beta-blessings (I will write about this next time, but for now Alpha is
beginning, Omega is end, and Beta is the in-between).

Text to my Stepdad

I am in a stage of process.

I cannot speak too much because I need to listen and experience and learn.
I’m trying to slow down and just experience peace but also know some growing
pains are necessary for the growth and goals to be achieved. I’m learning to
have a plan but not to be disappointed when it changes or fails because it is
not my will but God’s I wish to follow. I am learning to listen to God, I’m
learning patience when I really hate it. I’m seeking knowledge on kindness and
finding how to turn constructive criticism for good. I’m overwhelmed because I
am not strong enough to withhold the many things that have come all at once but
that’s because I need to give them ALL to God. I cannot speak on them anymore I
need to just let them go and seek Him. I can’t breathe for anxiety and so I
must swallow humility so that I can open my airways and realize God is who
gives me strength. I’m weak at his feet.

I’m taking a break with the notary because I’m overwhelmed and I know things
happen when God intends them and I will just keep moving forward but I’m
learning a new pace and he had to trip me, more than once, to change up my gait
but this life is a cross country trip not a sprint , and I don’t have to
understand how to make everything work but just trust and move forward. When
Peter kept his eyes on Jesus he did not sink but the moment he looked at the
storm the waves overcame him, and it was one hell of a storm with monsters in
the deep. I’m surrounded and yet with Jesus I’m starting to find freedom and
maybe a new version of me. Not the one I hoped to be but something greater than
I can see. He will heal me, my body will be as he meant it to be and this career
will be as he deems, I must learn to breathe before I can help others seek and
remove their traumas. I am going to indulge in reading and focus on one major
goal at a time instead of dividing my time, organized, but spread thin with
only pieces of my ability instead everything I have to give. I’m leaning, I
meant learning, but maybe I really meant leaning.

Surrounded by love and a foundation like never before, maybe that’s what’s
different this time as I learn to endure. I’m not the same as before. And for
those who keep reminding me of my past I will have to leave at the door.
There’s no more room here for anything but the Lord.

I am learning to be okay with the in between

Facebook Post 10/3/23

Yesterday I got promoted to corporate administrator training manager over
30plus dermatology offices, and a significant increase in income. Yesterday my
life changed. And today I was challenged. And I thanked God for making me
stronger and having my back! Don’t back down when you are tested!

Had a crazy day today. Woke up with a severe anxiety attack. I prayed.
Forced myself to go to work, leaving at 6AM. 5 minutes from my job my brakes
stopped working. I was on the highway. I prayed. At work our electronic patient
charts (EMR) weren’t working…which basically affects the whole job in a
doctor office. Most patients were super needy with unrealistic needs and many
were extremely rude and demanding. Patients were getting added to our schedule
without the physicians permission even tho we were already behind and there
were other patients scheduled completely wrong which made them lash out. I
prayed. Had to pay for car to be fixed after already paying for brakes to be
replaced 2 weeks ago ….I prayed. All the staff was on edge and combative due to
working conditions…I prayed…I went to my second job exhausted and not
feeling well. I prayed. I drove home and 5 minutes from the house ….my brakes
stopped working again..I prayed. Now I am home it’s 10:12 pm …and I’m tired
and stressed but at peace because I know God HAS MY BACK ! And He got me home
safe & I overcame the day!

Don’t stop! Deep breathe and keep going. You are meant for great things !
THIS is how we get strong! #nakedlyunderconstruction

Written By: Writerreyes